Sermon preached by Dr. Anne M. Huffman

May 13, 2007

LESSONS I’VE LEARNED AS A MOM

And whoever does not provide for relatives, and especially for family members, has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever. (1 Timothy 5:8)

Today is the day we honor motherhood. As I say that, I am exquisitely aware that there are women here who are not mothers, some by choice and others who would have loved to have children but couldn’t for a variety of reasons. As we look at motherhood this morning, I want to encourage every woman who is not a mother to think of what may be your maternal nature and how you may be living it out in your life right now. As I have reflected on lessons I’ve learned as a mom, I am attempting to speak openly and honestly about my experience. For me, being a mother borders on the sacred right alongside being challenging, incredibly fulfilling, exhausting at times, requiring the wisdom of Solomon, the patience of Job, sensitivity, attunement to my children’s feelings and those of my husband, while having the house picked up, food on the table, car-pools, work, and so much else.

From the moment of conception, I was making space for my growing baby not only in my womb, but in my heart, and in my life. As I look back over the years, I am so aware that we mothers bear the joys, the trials, the blessings, the hurts, the pain, the delights, and all that is in-between of our children and grandchildren until the day we die. Now bearing the joys is not the problem. Whether it was nursing my babies, which I have termed “the sweetest experience on planet earth,” or seeing the huge tent they would make with blankets in the family room on Saturday mornings and play restaurant, or Carla showing us her new town home in Seattle, or watching Janet be such a great mommy to Owen . . . our momma’s hearts overflow with joy in those times. On the other hand, I remember vividly the time I discovered Suzanne, about two and a half, was missing from the backyard in Key Biscayne, Florida. There was a canal across the street, so I was frantically calling for her, running to the canal to see if she had fallen in . . . back and forth between the street and the canal, and no Suzanne. As I was running down the street, scared out of my mind, a car came toward me, and I saw Suzanne sitting in the front seat with a big smile on her face. She had had a great adventure of walking down the street when a neighbor saw her and brought her home. I’ve never forgotten that incident. Welcome to the challenges of motherhood!!

In sharing lessons I’ve learned as a mom over these past thirty-nine years, implicit in the words “lessons learned” is the reality that giving birth to our first child doesn’t make us a good mother. We all have to learn as we go, hopefully with lots of prayer, support of other mothers, and good teaching from respected experts and godly people, about the psychological and emotional needs of children and the critical role played by moms in the development of their children. Since moms spend much more time with our children, by and large, we need to be intentional about learning everything we can. Dads play a vital role as well, but this morning, we are focusing on moms.

Lesson 1: Children need our unconditional love for the person God created them to be.

Unconditional love, God’s grace, is so foundational to our relationship with the Lord. Can it be true that God really loves us no matter what? Scripture is clear that Christ paid the penalty of all our sins past, present and future, and, as Christians, there is nothing we can do that will separate us from God’s love for us. Listen to Romans 8:38-39 as I read from The Message: “I’m absolutely convinced that nothing—nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable—absolutely nothing can get between us and God’s love because of the way that Jesus our Master has embraced us.” As a mom, I have learned that my children needed to experience my unconditional love for them, a love laced with a lot of affirmation and nurturing of their God-given abilities and gifts.

Dorothy Briggs, in her book entitled Your Child’s Self-Esteem, writes about being a mother, and I quote: “Various factors combine to make you a most crucial mirror in your child’s life; [their] prolonged dependency for physical and emotional satisfaction, [their] sustained contact with you, and the fact that your reflections of [them] are the first [they] experience. To the young child, you are magnified until you take on the appearance of a god.” I often say that we are god to our children with a small “g.” It is our responsibility to love our babies and growing children in ways that reflect God’s love for them. Unconditional love means we love and accept them no matter how they act; and when they disobey, we discipline, but don’t attack their character. I had to learn to not say, “Suzanne, you are a bad girl because you were mean to your sister.” Rather, “Suzanne, being mean to your sister is wrong, and you have hurt your sister.” It’s so hard in the heat of the moment, but so important to work on for as long as it takes.

Lesson 2: Children need limits.

Well, of course we know this. The big question is how to discipline effectively through the various stages of our child’s life. I asked Janet for her thoughts on the lessons. She said that once the girls were well into their teen years, I had to learn to let them make their own decisions, which sometimes meant making mistakes and having to learn from those mistakes. She went on to say she respected the fact that I, as well as John, learned to be able to make a distinction between being supportive of her, but not always agreeing with her decision. They knew where John and I stood, but to pressure them to conform to what we wanted was going to create more serious problems. We had instilled Christian values over the years and then comes the point when we hope and pray that those values will carry them through all of what life brings.

Limits are different from punishment. I learned from Dr. Bruce Narramore, years ago, that punishment should have no place in Christian parenting. In his book, Parenting with Love and Limits, he writes: “When Christ died on the cross He received all the punishment we deserve. Because of that God no longer deals with us in punishment and anger but solely in a discipline of grace. There is discipline in the life of God’s children—but not one bit of punishment.” Wow! That distinction has been monumental for me as a mom. I have learned that punishment is based on past misdeeds and instills fear and guilt, and has more to do with my frustration and anger. I had to learn I didn’t help them grow in character through punishment, pressure, and enforced conformity. In fact, those three things lead to rebellion or acquiescence and depression, not to becoming responsible and mature. I had to learn about natural and logical consequences, about giving kids a choice rather than getting into one power struggle after another. I agonized over this . . . it wasn’t easy for me. Thank goodness for friends, covenant groups, good books, prayer, a wise therapist, and my studies at Fuller Seminary in Marriage and Family.

Lesson 3: Respect their feelings and thoughts.

Have you had the experience of being told things like, “That’s ridiculous, you have no reason to be jealous of your sister. You love your sister.” Whether it’s our children or ourselves, we need to have our feelings acknowledged before any exploration of why the feeling is being experienced. The same is true with their thoughts . . . to discount their thoughts as silly or wrong or bad discounts them as a person. I remember when Suzanne wanted to get her ears pierced. We were living in Pittsburgh, and she was probably ten years old. I was aghast! Ears pierced?? It took me awhile, but not only did she get hers pierced, but I had mine done as well!

When Carla was fifteen, she wanted to take flying lessons. I would take her to John Wayne Airport for her lessons. One day she was late getting back from her lesson, so I went in, wanting to talk with her instructor anyway. Once back in the car, Carla was angry with me and said I had embarrassed her in what I said and how I said it. I was hurt, feeling justified in what I had done. After giving it a lot of thought, I came to see that I had spoken for her so she felt like a child, which was humiliating. I needed to be more respectful of her growing autonomy and need for my support without being overprotective and intrusive. Once I understood her feelings under her anger, I was able to speak to that with her and apologize. Her response was, “Thanks, Mom!” Lest you think I have this mastered, I don’t. I am a work in progress, as Janet and Carla know only too well.

Lesson 4: Enjoy your children.

I tend to be a Martha rather than a Mary. When the children were little, I did a much better job of spending lots of time reading to them. Actually, Janet got the short end of that stick because, by the time she was born, I was busier with the older girls and life was more complicated. So I had to work at taking time with the girls. When Janet was about six, I decided to take her out of school and go to Snow Summit for a mommy-daughter day of skiing. On the chair lift, we sang repeatedly, “It’s a happy day and I thank God for the weather. It’s a happy day, and I’m living it for my Lord. It’s a happy day and things are going to get better, living each day by the promises in God’s Word.” It was a happy day for us, a day neither of us has forgotten. To this day, we’ll break out singing that song . . . our song. Now I hear her singing it to Owen.

Enjoying our kids brings a level of joy and delight that is tonic to our momma’s heart. A few years ago I was swimming in the ocean with some other people. Carla was in the water as well. Out of nowhere, I was being dunked . . . by Carla! The chase was on . . . laughing, splashing each other, and of course, trying to dunk each other. We were playing and it was so much fun!! I wish I had done lots more of that during their growing-up years. What do I do with my regrets? I am taking advantage of every opportunity I can to enjoy my now grown children and, of course, little Owen.

Lesson 5: Being a Mom can be hard work that goes unnoticed.

As I was putting my thoughts together for today, a story came to mind that captures the multitudinous ways in which moms do so much that goes unnoticed or is taken for granted. We were skiing in Colorado. Suzanne was not with us on this trip. Carla was around twelve at the time, and Janet was eight. We had gotten off the lift at the top of the mountain. We were all having so much fun, hooting and hollering as we began our descent. Carla decided to take Janet on a little adventure off the trail. John skied on while my mother’s intuition said to follow the squeals of delight coming from the two of them. Within seconds, the squeals of delight turned into screams of terror. They were in the trees, and the trail was narrow. Janet was crying, stuck in the deep snow, while Carla was struggling to get back into her skies in the deep powder. It took us over an hour to get out of there. Once back in the lodge, exhausted from our ordeal and relieved to be inside safe and sound, Janet was so happy she took off her boots and ran to get some food. Well . . . guess what Mom was doing for the next thirty minutes . . . drying out her socks in the ladies’ room by pushing the hand dryer repeatedly while the family was eating lunch. Sound familiar?? We moms need to be reminded that God knows and understands how hard it is to be expected to give unceasingly with sometimes little to nothing in return.

Lesson 6: Be a self-aware person as a mother.

I’ve been on a journey to learn more about myself so that I grow into being a more secure person. The more secure a person we are, the better mothers we’ll be. We moms need to know our own personal issues because otherwise we inadvertently affect our children. Children grow up in the emotional oxygen or atmosphere of us. If we are not aware of ourselves, we “act out” the issues of our childhood through being too harsh, too lenient, over-compensating, etc. In the attempt to raise happy children, we end up raising anxious children.

The Bible is clear that the sins of the fathers and mothers will be passed down through the generations, unless we do the work of becoming healthier emotionally. I have learned that my emotional reactivity and anxiousness over their questionable behavior and attitudes did not foster the positive growth of my kids. In fact, it created distance and undermined their self-confidence. Anxiety and emotional reactivity puts a great strain on children.

Lesson 7: Be open to learning from your mistakes.

I have had to learn to forgive myself for mistakes made with each of the kids. I had blind spots that took me awhile to recognize. Being open to seeing my mistakes and learning from them is essential to ongoing growth in my character. Guilt feelings over our mistakes are a barrier to spiritual growth and maturity rather than being an incentive for it. We all make mistakes . . . I, as with everyone of you, would give anything if I could do some things over. We don’t get to do that. I have always known in my head there are no perfect mothers; after all, that’s good theology. However, when I fall short of being the tireless, self-sacrificing wife and mother extolled in Proverbs 31, I have struggled with feeling guilty. Guilt keeps us a prisoner of the past, of our failures. Forgiveness of ourselves on the other hand, and repairing relationships in the present, can bring reconciliation and joy. My children have helped me grow as a person and as a mother by being honest with me. Each of us in our relationships between us as mothers and our children will have to discover how much and in what ways we can take this opportunity for being honest in dealing with the inevitable hurts and being able to repair the wounds.

Lesson 8: We can’t protect our children from all of life’s pain.

I’ve learned the hardest lesson of all—there are no guarantees our children will be protected from pain and the curve balls of life. Suzanne had been diagnosed with Hodgkin’s Disease in 1990 during her senior year at Princeton University. The doctors said what a joy it was to treat her, because she was so highly curable. Three months after the chemo and radiation were completed, she relapsed. We fought to get her to the bone marrow transplant, but the cancer was relentless. On July 22, we went to her appointment with her oncologist, Dr. Barth, both of us knowing but not speaking about the fact that the cancer appeared to be unstoppable. As I drove to his office, she asked me if I could find a place for her to live for a few weeks on the ocean. While she was in with Dr. Barth, I was on a pay phone calling two friends who had a mobile home on the beach at El Moro. She could move in the next day. As Suzanne walked out of Dr. Barth’s office, tears streaming down her face, she said, “Mom, I have four-to-six weeks to live.” No words can describe what I felt as a Mom, the hideous scream of my breaking heart . . . I had to bear the reality of her impending death while cherishing every living moment with her. The very next day, I moved her into El Moro. I had to let go of my baby and let her to live the rest of her life in those few short weeks with her sisters and friends. She never spent another night at home. Her courage and tenacity to hold onto life to the very end was nothing short of amazing . . . As a Mom, I was watching how my precious Suzanne faced death at 23 years old. I couldn’t stop it . . . all I could do was be with her as best I could. It was heart wrenching for me. I’ve had to learn that losses are a part of life—universal, unavoidable. For me, losing Suzanne has meant I’ve had to learn to bear the unbearable.

Lesson 9: Pray for your children.

I have learned that bringing my children to the Lord in prayer is something I can do any time and in all circumstances. I can pour out my heart to the Lord, voicing my concerns, my frustrations, my joys, and my hopes for their becoming mature adults who love God and who become the person God created them to be. I need God’s help and wisdom in every aspect of relating to my children. I am not one who spends time on my knees praying. I have more of a running dialogue with the Lord. My heartfelt prayer is that God will be at work in their lives. As moms, in bringing our children to the throne of grace in prayer, we are entrusting them into the loving care of our heavenly Father. What a comfort for our sometimes anxious hearts, given the challenges facing our children. My mom regularly prays for all her children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren. So will it be with me.

Conclusion:

As a Mom, along with the Apostle Paul, I have learned to be abased and to abound . . . I have had to learn the hard way that suffering and difficulty come with the joys and delights of motherhood. As I conclude, I say to you what I tell myself, which is to stay the course, to cherish the privilege of being a mom, to be always open to learning new lessons, to seeing new facets of our children’s life and of our relationship with them, to be affirming every chance we get, to flesh out God’s grace and unconditional love by being there for them no matter what! And, for heaven’s sake, be gentle with yourself. As for me, I am abundantly blessed to be the daughter of my mom, who has bequeathed me her wisdom, her love, and her faithful prayers. I treasure being the mom of Suzanne, who is in heaven, and of Carla who lives in Seattle, and of Janet who lives in San Clemente with her husband, Ryan, and my grandson, Owen.

May God strengthen us with His love, His power, His everlasting mercy and compassion to mother well whomever God has put in our lives to nurture and love.